I have ME! On the brain.....

If you are related to, married to, or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.

Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning, you hold them to such high esteem (of course to which they are fully aware) and they love to bask in your adulation.

But once you catch on to their tactics, and question behavior that is opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their aggressor, and expertly blame you for the relationship's demise, and all other misfortunes in their life.

And you, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point in hopes that he snaps out of his irrational behavior.

Maybe this time he will understand, you think.

If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can't be THAT close-minded, I'm going to tell him once more.

But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a child, as if you're stupid. And you can't even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make him "get it" -- and the more you do that, the more it supplies his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.

The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the Narcissistic Vortex -- it's a deep, black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you're crazy, unloved, or worse, that you aren't worthy of anyone else's love so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.

If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the expert advice is to have no contact with him. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.

But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term -- how do you manage the constant manipulation even as you try to get on with your life? He might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own false self-worth), or he criticizes you for everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO falsely mistaken, you write him a long email, explaining your actions, or you become ensued in a long texting battle.

And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.

You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to him (no matter how negative), it feeds his narcissistic supply -- a.k.a, his false sense of self that he is better than you (or anyone else for that matter).

So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: does it require a reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during divorce or logistics with the children?

Unfortunately with Narcissists, they can never write an email without making themselves look a victim/martyr, or passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to engaging with a narcissist is little to no response. Reply with "yes" or "no" answers, or merely factual replies like, "yes, I am picking kids up at 5:00 p.m. today." Ignore all other stabs or attempts of getting a heated reaction from you.

If your narcissist wants to talk with you over the phone about certain matters, let him ask you questions for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation, quite simply say to him, "If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in email." And then hang up.

You will never change his mind. You will never get him to see your side of things. As long as you attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in his vortex and unable to move on.

Learning how to deal with a narcissist can't be accomplished by reading just this one blog. It takes skill, practice, reading books on the subject and perhaps coaching or therapy. Whatever you do, don't try to learn this alone.

L. Pitts 

100 Days of HAPPY! Nirvana the first 25 days

nir·va·na

noun, often capitalized \nir-ˈvä-nə, (ˌ)nər-\

: the state of perfect happiness and peace in Buddhism where there is release from all forms of suffering

: a state or place of great happiness and peace

 

It would be easy to write about the ultimate dosage of happiness and implicate every detail of my journey so far as nothing less than roses and rainbows. But I won’t. Throughout the past 25 days if there is one life lesson I have learned to embrace is that of utter honesty. When I began my journey on July 18^th I adopted a theory that if I remained open to new ideas and spoke my inner truths to others without reservation I would find a greater level of happiness. In studying Buddhist texts and reading “We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For” by Alice Walker I indicated that a release of burden is the truest form of happiness- nirvana.

 

Though happiness isn’t a permanent feeling, it still holds such a strong influence on who you are for even a moment. A smile at the little girl hanging from the grocery cart ahead of you, a giggle at the cutest guy you’ve ever seen tripping over his feet to take a glance at you, or even a stomach cramping laugh with your brothers about that one time, that one summer, long ago. My level of happiness began the very first day I began the 100 Happy Days challenge. In the moment I submitted my short form I knew this experience would make me discover things I never knew about myself and ways to improve my demeanor in the most undesired situations.  

 

I observed my friends and family, viewing them with a fresh perspective and seeing a beauty in them I had never paid much attention to. I’ve become more attentive and curious about why things happen the way they do, even how they can be changed or avoided. I didn’t take the challenge to stay the same, I took it to discover my happiness. In order to do that I have to explore every other feeling and emotion I have to offer as well. Remaining open to the elements of self awareness I have embraced happiness in a new way and willed myself to find the happiness in the sadness, a smile through the embarrassment, and the strength through my weakness.

Now don’t get me wrong my life is a ball of sunshine but this challenge has helped me to view life through more perspectives than one. It’s not just about happiness, if it was, this wouldn’t be different from any other day for me. So while you find your happy realize your sad, angry, funny, unwavering self as well. 

Peace, love, happiness, NIRVANA.

Lyrric Cosby Jackson

100 Days of Happy??????

HAPPY Defined:

Main Entry: hap·py 
Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hap·pi·er; hap·pi·est
Etymology: Middle English, from hap
Date: 14th century

1 :  favored by luck or fortune :  fortunate <a happy coincidence> 2 :  notably fitting, effective, or well adapted :  felicitous <a happy choice> 3 a :  enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment <is the happiest person I know> <a happy childhood> b :  expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness <a happy ending> c :  glad, pleased <I'm happy to meet you> d :  having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship :  friendly <a happy office> 


The way we think and how we feel dictate the decisions we make every day. With every moment that passes we are constantly faced with a plethora of splendid situations and a series of sometimes unfortunate happenings that alter our state of thought and shift our feelings. Even though being happy relates to the short term it can lead to the long term emotional high know as JOY. 

For months I've observed several of my Instagram friends post photos with a comment: #100happydays. Finally I became intrigued. This mysterious hashtag has got to have reason behind it right? So I googled it. Yes I googled it. To my surprise this hashtag held a greater meaning and it caught my attention. With, and I quote, "71% of people tried to complete this challenge, but failed quoting lack of time as the main reason.These people simpy did not have time to be happy. Do you? " -100happydays.com

I took that "Do you?" As a challenge. Though I'm happy and I smile every chance I get, I think this is just the challenge to test my true temporary emotion: happiness. Beginning July 18, 2014 I will document my happiness via Instagram and post a new article every 25 days to the Bars and Warfare Blog. Will this work...will  I realize some amazing truth about myself, NO IDEA, but I hope you stick around to read about my journey. This could get wild. 

If you'd like more information about getting happy yourself go towww.100happydays.com and take a dive. You may discover a new you and a new sort of happy. 

Peace and love,
-Lyrric Cosby Jackson 

Is the Temptation worth it?

Suspect in Leschi double homicide charged with murder!

Ali Muhammad Brown, accused of shooting two men at close range in Leschi a month ago, has been charged with two counts of aggravated first-degree murder.

Brown’s whereabouts are unknown. Police in New Jersey say he may be responsible for a robbery in that state last weekend.

The charges filed Tuesday offer new details into the slayings of Dwone Anderson-Young, 23, and Ahmed Said, 27, on June 1, but they do not explain a motive for the slayings.

Police said Anderson-Young and Said were hanging out at RPlace, a gay Capitol Hill nightclub, on May 31 and met up with a man identified as a friend of Said’s outside the club. One of Anderson-Young’s friends, who saw the stranger, told police that he was “creeped out” by Said’s friend and declined Said’s offer of a ride home, police wrote in charging documents.

Another friend of Anderson-Young said Said “continually talked about meeting someone outside the club later.” The friend told police that at the club that night, Said appeared to be texting over Jack’d or Grindr, two gay social networking sites, charges said.

After taking a look at the stranger, that friend also declined Said’s offer for a ride home, charges said.

Police say Brown, Said and Anderson-Young drove to Anderson-Young’s house, where Brown pulled a gun and killed the two men then drove off in Said’s car. It was later found abandoned in South Seattle.

Police said they linked Brown to the slayings after finding his fingerprints and three spent 9mm shell casings inside Said’s car. The mother of Brown’s children told police that her 9mm semiautomatic handgun was missing; she said Brown had access to the gun, charges said.

Looking at a photo montage at Seattle police headquarters, one of Anderson-Young’s friends pointed out Brown as the man who drove away from Capitol Hill with the victims, charges said.

“The murders took place less than 17 minutes after two witnesses saw Ali Brown leave with the victims in Said’s car. There is no evidence to suggest that Said and/or Anderson-Young were armed, and these murders do not appear to be motivated by robbery, drugs or any other crime,” Seattle police Detective Cloyd Steiger wrote in charging documents.

Steiger added that it’s “evident that these murders were premeditated and unprovoked and part of a common scheme or plan.”

Seattle police said last week that a motive for the slayings is not known.

Anderson-Young’s mother said in an interview with The Times that her son was gay. When asked last month whether the shootings were being investigated as a possible hate crime, Assistant Police Chief Carmen Best said “nothing is off the table.”

Seattle police said Brown is also wanted on warrants for failure to register as a sex offender. In March 2012, Brown pleaded guilty to communication with a minor for immoral purposes and was sentenced to a year in jail.

Police in Point Pleasant Beach, N.J., say Brown was involved in a robbery in that city on Sunday and is wanted on a warrant.

- Will Barlow

What is the defining Mission of the Citizens of ChiRaQ

How can you celebrate in the 4th of July in Chicago AKA Chiraq?

The July 4th weekend is always filled with the loud booms of fireworks. But in Chicago, residents are far more likely to hear the bangs of gunfire.

More than 60 people were shot in the Windy City over the long holiday weekend, leaving at least nine people dead, ABC7 Chicago reported.

The bloody weekend began around 2:30 a.m. Friday when a 34-year-old man was fatally shot in a drive-by. From there, the violence intensified.

A teenager was shot in his car.

A woman in her 60s was grazed in the head by a stray bullet while standing on her front porch.

A man was struck by a falling bullet.

A teen was standing on the sidewalk when her ex-boyfriend allegedly walked up and shot her in the legs.

A man sitting in his car was killed when a gunman fired shots into the vehicle. A woman who was also sitting inside was injured by glass.

Two people were killed and another three wounded in police-involved shootings.

The shootings were so numerous this weekend that the Chicago Tribune ended up publishing a roundup of attacks, focusing on just a four-hour period Sunday afternoon.

Tribune staff has been diligently following Chicagoland's shootings, mapping the incidents and listing the most recent victims by date, gender, age and location.

Since Jan. 1, more than 1,100 people have been shot in Chicago.

Two years ago, when the city's murder rate topped 500, authorities launched a campaign to turn the tide of this violent trend. According to ABC World News, hundreds of police officers have been dispatched to patrol dangerous neighborhoods and authorities have been working with community leaders to stem some of the gang activity.

In 2013, this effort appeared to be working as homicides dropped to 415. But that rate was still higher than those of many major American cities, including New York City, which recorded less than 350 murders that same year.

Police spokesman Martin Maloney told the Chicago Sun-Times that since Jan. 1, Chicago has had its lowest homicide rate since 1963. And the toll from violence over the July 4th holiday weekend was actually lower than last year when 12 men were killed and at least 60 others wounded, NBC Chicago reported.

However, police also noted an 8 percent increase in shooting victims through the first six months of the year compared with the same period in 2013.

To those Chicagoans affected by shootings, the city has not done enough.

"We're celebrating independence, but we feel like we're in prison," Father Michael Pfleger of St. Sabina Catholic Church told ABC7. "It's unacceptable. We wouldn't accept it in Iraq, we shouldn't accept it in Chicago."

Aimé Grisham

Obama Shines Light on Immigration during Citizenship Ceremony

President Barack Obama plans to highlight a positive side of the immigration debate by presiding over an Independence Day citizenship ceremony for service members who signed up to defend the U.S. even though they weren't American citizens.

A total of 25 members of the Armed Forces will spend the Fourth of July as American citizens after the deputy secretary for homeland security delivers the oath of allegiance at a White House ceremony on Friday.

The group includes 15 active-duty service members from the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, along with two veterans, one reservist and seven spouses, the White House said. They represent 15 countries.

The politically divisive immigration issue is earning renewed attention after the influx of tens of thousands of unaccompanied children from Central America who, under U.S. law, must be sent back across the border to their home countries. That has upset advocates of overhauling U.S. immigration policy who want Obama to allow the children to stay.

At the same time, Obama blames House Republicans for delaying action on an immigration overhaul. A comprehensive measure the Senate passed last year has been blocked by House leaders who also have done little to advance legislative proposals of their own.

Obama announced earlier this week that, as a result of lawmakers' inaction, he will pursue non-legislative ways that he can adjust U.S. immigration policy without waiting for Congress to act.

Obama and his wife, Michelle, spend the Fourth of July with service members they invite to the White House for an all-American barbecue on the South Lawn and choice seating for the fireworks on the National Mall. Obama said some of the service members who will be at the White House on Friday are unique.

"They signed up to serve, to sacrifice, potentially to give their lives for the security of this country even though they weren't yet Americans. That's how much they love this country," Obama said in announcing the ceremony earlier this week. "They were prepared to fight and die for an America they did not yet fully belong to. I think they've earned their stripes in more ways than one."

He said it is worth celebrating that the U.S. is "a nation of immigrants."

"We won this country's freedom together. We built this country together. We defended this country together," he said. "It makes us special. It makes us strong. It makes us Americans. That's worth celebrating. And that's what I want not just House Republicans, but all of us, as Americans to remember."

Obama participated in naturalization ceremonies at the White House in 2009, 2010, 2012 and last year.

Friday's ceremony will also recognize internationally known celebrity chef Jose Andres for outstanding achievements by a naturalized U.S. citizen. Andres, who is 44 and was born in Spain, became a citizen last November and also will mark his first July Fourth as a citizen.

Andres serves on the boards of the DC Central Kitchen and the L.A. Kitchen, in addition to international philanthropic work carried out through his World Central Kitchen. Andres runs restaurants in California, Nevada, Florida, Puerto Rico and Washington, D.C. He has prepared meals for White House and other Obama administration events, and Obama and the first lady have gone out to dinner at some of his Andres' restaurants in Washington. Andres also contributed financially to both of Obama's presidential campaigns.

Darren Cords

Mentor Speaks

Ushers Says......

 Pop star Usher addresses the racial controversy surrounding his protégé Justin Bieber, the R&B singer has made another public statement regarding the videos that have emerged of the young star making racist jokes. Speaking to People magazine, Usher once again stated that he supports Bieber and believes that these videos, which are a few years old, do not represent who Justin is now.

“At my core, I am a person that supports growth and understands without judgement, that growth often comes as a result of pain and continuous effort,” Usher writes to the magazine. “As I have watched Justin Bieber navigate difficult waters as a young man, I can tell you that he hasn’t always chosen the path of his greatest potential, but he is unequivocally not a racist.”

Usher’s full interview has not been published by People, but in the released portion, he also emphasizes Bieber’s immaturity at the time of the recordings.

“What he was 5 years ago was a naive child who did not understand the negative power and degradation that comes from playing with racial slurs,” Usher says. “What he is now is a young man faced with an opportunity to become his best self, an example to the millions of kids that follow him to not make the same mistakes.”

-Will T Barlow

Following the Foot Prints of LEGEND

A Sons Words

We’ve gleaned so much from Dr. Maya Angelou. She’s been a mentor, mother and guardian angel to the world. But we often forget that she has her own family. At the age of 16, Angelou, born Marguerite Ann Johnson, gave birth to her pride and joy, son Guy Johnson.

During an interview on OWN, Johnson tells Oprah, “I grew up in her light. Sometimes I wasn’t worthy of it, but it has always been an experience that expanded me.

“She thinks that the divine hand is in all things,” he adds. “She has faith that’s like a rock — you can stand on it. She speaks to our humanity and she reminds us that we are both brother and sister to the rest of the human race.

“Keep on speaking, Ma,” Johnson says. “We need the lessons, the beautiful poems, books, movies, dances, celebrations and love.”

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Johnson, who completed college in Egypt, is also a writer and poet. After graduation, he managed a bar on Spain’s Costa del Sol, ran a photo-safari service from London through Morocco and Algeria to the Spanish Sahara, and worked on the oil rigs in Kuwait, according to his Random House bio.

Some of his poetry can be found in the anthology of black male poets titled My Brother’s Keeper. Johnson is married, has a son and is a resident of Oakland, California.

-Will T Barlow

An Inmates lost LIFE

Mental Mistreatment

  After a mentally ill Bradley Ballard made a lewd gesture to a female guard at the Rikers Island jail, he was locked in his cell alone for seven increasingly agitated days in which he was denied some of his medication, clogged his toilet so that it overflowed, stripped off his clothes and tied a rubber band tightly around his genitals.

During that period, guards passed Ballard's cell in the mental observation unit dozens of times, peering through the window in the steel door but never venturing inside — until it was too late.

The 39-year-old Ballard was eventually found naked and unresponsive on the floor, covered in feces, his genitals swollen and badly infected. He was rushed to a hospital but died hours later.

"He didn't have to leave this world like that. They could have put him in a mental hospital, got him some treatment," Ballard's mother, Beverly Ann Griffin, said from her Houston, Texas, home. "He was a caring young man."

Ballard's death last September, detailed in documents obtained by The Associated Press and in interviews with two city officials on condition of anonymity, came five months before another Rikers inmate in a similar mental health unit died in a cell that climbed to a suffocating 101 degrees because of malfunctioning heating equipment.

Experts say Ballard's death is only the latest example of how poorly equipped the city's jail system is to handle the mentally ill, who make up about 40 percent of the 12,000 inmates in the nation's most populous city. A third of those inmates suffer from serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

In Ballard's case, his family said, he was diagnosed as schizophrenic more than a decade ago, and he also had diabetes.

Faced with rising criticism over conditions at Rikers, Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed reforms. Correction Department spokesman Robin Campbell said in a statement Wednesday that Ballard's case is under investigation. He said mental health and jail officials have started shift-by-shift briefings on inmates like Ballard and are working on other measures "so that a similar tragedy will not happen again."

More tests are needed to determine exactly how Ballard died, the medical examiner's office says. But preliminary findings show that he probably succumbed to sepsis, an infection that has spread through the body, according to the two officials.

Ballard grew up in Houston and moved to New York to pursue a better life after working as a cook at a fried chicken restaurant, his family said. He spent six years behind bars after being arrested in 2004 for assaulting a receptionist and another employee of a New York law firm.

Last June, he was arrested in Houston on charges of public lewdness and assault for punching and exposing himself to a bus driver. He was sent back to jail in New York for not telling his parole officer that he'd left the city.

He was first placed in a Rikers facility for 17 days, then a Correction Department psychiatric hospital for 38 days. Then he was sent to a roughly 30-bed mental observation unit at Rikers.

In documents obtained by the AP via a public records request, Cathy Potler, executive director of the city Board of Correction, gave her account of Ballard's case, based on a review of records, security footage and interviews with inmates.

She noted that even though Ballard was in a unit where inmates are ordinarily allowed in and out of their cells to mingle with others for 14 hours a day, he was locked up continuously for seven days and for most of that time wasn't given his medication. The type of medication was not disclosed.

Guards confined Ballard to his cell on Sept. 4 after he stared for hours at a female officer, rolled up his shirt to look like a penis and thrust it toward her, Potler said.

The next day, Potler wrote, Ballard intentionally flooded his combination sink-toilet, after which a mental health provider spoke with him for 15 seconds through the cell door. The next day, a plumber turned off the water to his cell.

Over the next few days, guards and deputy wardens looked in his cell dozens of times throughout the day, Potler wrote, and the inmate was at times seen at the door.

On Sept. 10, video of an inmate delivering a tray of food to Ballard's cell showed the inmate covering his nose with his shirt and three officers backing away, "presumably because of the foul odor coming from the cell," Potler wrote.

Ballard was checked on at least two dozen times that day and night, with an officer at one point seen kicking his cell door several times, according to Potler's account.

By the time medical staffers were called in and his cell was opened, Ballard was so weak he couldn't move. He was pronounced dead early on the morning of Sept. 11.

Under city rules, mental health staffers are required to make twice-daily rounds in the unit where Ballard was jailed, and the guards on duty are supposed to be steadily assigned there and receive annual mental health training.

But mental health staffers visited Ballard's cell only once before he was discovered to be in distress, according to Potler. And of the 53 officers who worked in the unit in the days leading up to Ballard's death, only one was steady, and none had received the required annual refresher course on mental health, Potler wrote.

Following Ballard's death, Department of Health officials said a city investigation found workers missed multiple opportunities to treat him, transferred the unit chief to another facility and retrained staffers on how to do rounds and other procedures.

Jail officers have long complained that they aren't sufficiently trained to handle severely mentally ill inmates. At a recent public meeting, a union official said trainees get 21.5 hours of mental health training during their 16 weeks of academy instruction, plus the three-hour annual refresher.

In a statement, Norman Seabrook, president of the Correction Officers Benevolent Association, said Ballard's death was an example of "non-communication between medical staff and uniform staff." He said officers can notify members of the medical staff, "but it's clearly up to them and solely them to determine treatment."

Ballard's death, though tragic, was unsurprising to those familiar with how the mentally ill fare in jails, said Dr. Bandy Lee, a Yale psychiatrist who was a co-author of a report critical of jail officials' use of solitary confinement.

"Correctional institutions are such a poor substitute for mental hospitals, which is what they're basically functioning as in our society," she said. "The problem is the correction setting is not fit to deliver the proper care, and in fact many of the settings exacerbate their symptoms."

Curtis Griffin, Ballard's stepfather, said a jail chaplain informed the family months ago of his son's death, but he wasn't told the specifics.

"They know," Griffin said, "that they were wrong in the way they handled the situation."

-Will Barlow 

 

Marriage.... The Function of It!

5 Stages of every Marriage

All marital unions are not created equal; but they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and the way a couple manages the phase they're in varies widely, but most of the stages happen, to most of us. 

Understanding the stages gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact. Here's what you need to know.

Stage 1: Honeymoon heaven

Usually the first year or two (or three, depending on the arrival of children as well as whether you lived together beforehand) is a passion-fueled period that's all about the two of you and your intense focus on the attraction that made you want to walk down the aisle to begin with.

Your Challenge: As much as this stage is full of lovely things like lust, affection and late-night romps, you'd be wise to also use this time to cement your sense of coupledom outside the bedroom. Who are you, as a couple? For example, do you want to focus on your careers exclusively for a few years, or would you prefer to spend time traveling or taking classes? Will one or both of you want to get an advanced degree? Also spend time figuring out how you envision the rest of your marriage — such as whether and when to have children, or whether you see yourselves living in a city or the suburbs.

Stage 2: Settling in, settling down

This encompasses the realization stage, during which you learn things you might not have known (or happily ignored) about your spouse's strengths, weaknesses and personal habits. Also in this post-honeymoon, pre-children stage, power struggles can arise as the two of you work toward both separate and shared goals. This is the time to learn teamwork.

Your Challenge: As the shine fades a bit and reality sets in, you need to safely navigate what can be the first divorce danger zone of a young marriage, says Beverly Hyman, PhD, coauthor of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. "After a couple of years, too many couples find that their values and goals aren't always on the same page." For example, if one of you wants children, or expects to spend every Sunday with his or her parents, and the other disagrees, you need to reach a compromise. Though you should have done this before you wed, if you haven't, it's not too late to discuss hot-button subjects like children, money, how often you'll see your families, religion, etc. If you find you can't see eye-to-eye, it may be time to seek counseling, says Dr. Hyman.

Stage 3: Family Central

Welcome to the "meat" of marriage, the years most couples spend raising their families, buying a home, building and/or changing careers and all-around trying to hold a busy, crazy modern life together. This can be another danger time. You may have a couple of kids, a mortgage to pay, possibly two demanding jobs — this puts enormous strain on the resources of a marriage. Too many couples start to wonder: 'Is this all there is to life?' And some of them answer that question by starting an affair or asking for a divorce.

Your Challenge: Not losing sight of your couple-ness in the swirl of all the other demands on your time and energy. "Pay close attention to your marriage," advises Dr. Hyman. Don't assume your relationship will be OK if one or both of you is on autopilot. "One thing that's essential to building an enduring marriage is open, honest and tender communication," she adds. Give yourselves a chance to communicate by — if you have to — scheduling together time, planning a regular date night or agreeing to turn off the TV after the kids go to bed so you can discuss important issues (or have sex!).

Stage 4: Back to the two of you

Some call this stage the "empty nest," but that implies that your home is devoid of love (i.e. empty) after your children grow up and leave. Hopefully, it's not that way (though it can be). In the best scenario, this stage is about reunion. You are getting to know each other all over again, unpacking old baggage and having fun.

Your Challenge: Assuming you've weathered the earlier storms of marriage, this time can be exhilarating. "You have the luxury of time," says Dr. Hyman, "So you can have new adventures, learn things together and take pride in your accomplishments, such as your history together and your children's successes." But many couples find it a struggle to be together again with nothing else to concentrate on. Spend some time figuring out things you can do together (such as a vacation or new activity, like tennis or a couples' book club) and apart (such as a sport or an adult-education class). If the issue is that you've ignored resentments toward your partner while you were busy with work and kids, you'll need to be honest about these thorny problems, says Dr. Hyman, "You can rescue a marriage that's been ignored for a long time, but it will take work," so seek couples' therapy.

Stage 5: You did it!

You've enjoyed the lust, lived the love and come through the chaos of family life — without splitting up in the face of troubles. You've reached "completion," a stage that retired, empty-nest couples who still enjoy being together can bask in for the rest of their lives.

Your Challenge: Continue to show each other affection and attention. Remember, says Dr. Hyman, if you've remained a loving, harmonious couple, you won't have an empty nest for long. Children and grandchildren gravitate back to the happy home they remember.

At any time: Explosion

This is less of a discrete stage than the others because it can happen at any time in a marriage. It's when major life stressors interrupt the forward motion of your life together — such as fertility issues, a death in the family, a major illness or the loss of a job that leads to serious economic upheaval.

Your Challenge: Seek support, both separately and together, depending on the situation. Never feel you have to power through problems on your own, or your marriage may suffer. Seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, religious counselors or professional therapists. Pay attention to your own physical and emotional health and well-being. Knowing when it’s time to divorce can be tricky, especially if you feel that the two of you have come to an impasse in terms of what you want from the marriage. Dr. Hyman suggests that you take great care, asking yourselves serious questions, such as: Have you been more unhappy than happy in your marriage? Is that unhappiness affecting your physical and mental health? What are your fears about possibly separating? Have you exhausted every remedy to save your marriage? Only you two can answer these hard questions.

Some say love is work, but honestly every relationship has it's on unique dynamic when it comes to understanding the major functions of any couple. Some marriages and partnerships are hard to gage but hopefully these stages and points can present an idea of how to handle challenges and issues. 

Bj Jackson

Girl POWER!

LIVING LIKE A POEM

On Monday, April 7^th I attended a book launch event for one of the greatest writers of our time, Pearl Cleage. Her new masterpiece, “Things I should have told my daughter: Lies, Lessons, and Love Affairs”, is a collection of her past journal entries dating back to the 1970s and 80s. This beautifully compiled work provides a magnified view of what she learned in the years passed. She strategically placed each entry to create a look into the good, the bad, and the ugly in regards to career, relationship, and lifestyle choices. From loves lost to juicy political secrets, Mrs. Cleage reminds readers that within a singular life’s journey are many stories that define the whole person. Creatively Mrs. Cleage defies the norm and equates to mere generous in her unapologetic feminist dialect, fearlessly approaching her craft with honesty.

 

I sat in awe listening to Mrs. Cleage read page after page of shear brilliance. I wrote down a quote from the book that changed my perspective of love and how I live everyday. I found that I don’t always let loose and love freely. It may be hard to believe that one statement could make me reach a philosophical revolution, but the truth is, it’s always more fun living in the moment than planning, closing your eyes and jumping instead of remaining on the ground, and even loving out loud rather than pouring your inner most feelings out silently on paper or in my case in a dance.

 

“Sometimes it’s more fun to be a poem than to write one.” –Pearl Cleage, Things I should have told my daughter: Lies, Lessons, and Love Affairs”

 

 

Things I should have told my daughter: Lies, Lessons, and Love Affairs is a work of art intended for a variation of audience members. Pearl Cleage oozes Girl Power, I’m just here to make everyone else aware of it. Until next time, TOOTLES!

 

Lyrric Cosby Jackson

 

Christopher Columbus is BLACK

DNA analysis of the remains of Christopher Columbus, done by forensic scientists at the University of Cambridge, prove beyond a shadow a doubt that the famed navigator was of African descent.

“A five-hundred-year-mystery has been solved,”  said Wellington Malley, the head of the Cambridge research team.  “Even though Columbus was born in Genoa, and spoke and wrote in Spanish most of his life, the DNA is clear – Columbus was 100% African.  We believe he was from the west coast, probably from what is now Cameroon.”

It’s the truth. .. Some of the remains of Christopher Columbus were found in Seville Cathedral, in Spain, and some bones were buried in Santo Domingo Cathedral in the Dominican Republic.  “All of the bones and the remains from both locations have been checked and rechecked.  He’s black.”

Columbus died in 1506.  In 1537, the widow of his son Diego was allowed to take the bones of both her husband and his father to the Dominican Republic for burial in the cathedral of Santo Domingo.  Diego was also black.

Not all African-Americans were pleased to know learn about Columbus’s ethnic identity.   “What?  Columbo was a thug, a killer.  He sailed out over here and slaughtered the Indians, ” said Fred Johnson of Harlem.  “I think the whole thing is bogus, trying to pin a crime on blacks again.  This is B.S.”

But President Obama heard news over the weekend and was proud to know that one of the greatest sailors and navigators of all time was black.  “I’m ordering all statues and monuments to Christopher Columbus be taken down and redone.  We want his likeness to be accurate.”

Mayor Bloomberg in New York said that the big Italian-American parade down 5th Avenue would be changed to an African-American parade in honor of Christopher Columbus.

The Grand Marshall of 2011 Columbus Day Parade – Maria Bartiromo was replaced by Beyonce.

Native-Americans were indifferent to the news, Navajo Indian tribes felt that they lost lives either way. 

-Joann Yoon

The New Burger King!

NEW YORK — Burger King is scrapping its 40-year-old "Have It Your Way" slogan in favor of the more personal "Be Your Way."

The chain says the new tag line will roll out across its marketing in the U.S., including in a TV ad that will begin airing Monday night. The line made its first appearance in an online video last month.

Burger King says in a statement that the new motto is intended to remind people that "they can and should live how they want anytime. It's ok to not be perfect ... Self-expression is most important and it's our differences that make us individuals instead of robots."

It may seem odd for a fast-food company to champion individuality, but Burger King isn't the only one trying to project a hip, non-corporate attitude to gain favor with customers. Since 2012, for instance, Taco Bell has been touting its "Live Mas" slogan, which means "live more" in Spanish.

Fernando Machado, Burger King's senior vice president of global brand management, noted in an interview that "Have It Your Way" focuses only on the purchase — the ability to customize a burger. By contrast, he said "Be Your Way" is about making a connection with a person's greater lifestyle.

"We want to evolve from just being the functional side of things to having a much stronger emotional appeal," said Machado, who joined the company in March.

Whether the new tag line can help Burger King's image over the long term remains to be seen. The company, along with McDonald's Corp., is fighting to boost sales at a time when people are moving toward foods they feel are fresher or higher quality. And Laura Ries, president of the brand consulting firm Ries & Ries, noted that companies can come across as trying too hard to be cool.

"The problem is that people don't see themselves as living the Burger King lifestyle," she said. "You've got to be realistic with the place that your brand holds in real life."

Burger King says new slogan was developed with ad agency DAVID, a unit of WPP.

Machado noted that Burger King hasn't been actively using the "Have It Your Way" slogan for some time in the U.S. The company, which is based in Miami, Florida, also will stop using its more recent "Taste Is King" motto. "Be Your Way" will start in the U.S. but eventually be rolled out globally, the company says.

The switch is the latest in a series of marketing and menu changes under Burger King's new management. The chain was bought by investment firm 3G Capital in late 2010, then taken public again in 2012. Soon after, 3G replaced the chain's CEO and early this year, Axel Schwan was appointed as global chief marketing officer.

In the latest quarter, Burger King said sales at U.S. restaurants open at least a year edged up 0.1 percent, hurt by bad weather.

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Follow Candice Choi atwww.twitter.com/candicechoi

D.C. Collects more than Bills!

They are some of the rarest bobblehead dolls ever produced. They're released erratically. They're given away for free, not sold. And if you get a certificate to claim one, you have to redeem it at a Washington, DC, law office.

The limited edition bobbleheads of U.S. Supreme Court justices are the work of law professor Ross Davies, who has been creating them for the past 10 years. When finished, they arrive unannounced on the real justices' desks, secreted there by unnamed confederates. And fans will go to some lengths to get one.

"I think we take seriously trying to do them well," said Davies, a law professor at Virginia's George Mason University and the editor of an entertaining quarterly legal journal called The Green Bag.

Subscribing to the journal is the most reliable way to get a voucher to claim a bobblehead when they are released, but there's no guarantee. The certificates warn that the bearer "might be able" to exchange it for a bobblehead, and the journal also hands out some bobbleheads to non-subscribers, including law school public interest groups that auction them at fundraisers. Some ultimately wobble their way onto eBay, where they reliably sell for hundreds of dollars.

The justices themselves seem to have been charmed by their caricatures. Antonin Scalia once said in an interview that he understands his is the most popular. Stephen Breyer had four of the figures of his colleagues on display in his chambers during a 2009 C-Span interview. His own is currently in the works. And former Chief Justice William Rehnquist sent a thank-you note for his, which was the first to come out in 2003.

"Thank you for the 'bobble-head' likeness of me which now sits on the mantle of the fireplace in my chambers," Rehnquist wrote. "It is probably a better likeness of me as I was 15 years ago than as I am now, but obviously I won't complain."

Davies said the idea for the bobbleheads came to him in the shower. In the decade since, he has immortalized 16 justices in ceramic, including four of the current court's nine members. Included in that total are a set of miniature bobbleheads representing the first justices appointed to the court. Certificates for the newest tiny justice, John Blair, recently went out.

The dolls, which are produced by Bellevue, Wash.,-based Alexander Global Promotions, are more than straight likenesses of the justices. Each has multiple references to the legal legacy of the person it honors. For example, Justice Louis Brandeis rides a train, a nod to his important opinion in a case involving the Erie Railroad in Pennsylvania. The David Souter bobblehead plays a song by "Modest Mouse," a group he mentioned in a copyright case. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg stands on a replica of the parade ground at the Virginia Military Institute. In 1996 she wrote an opinion striking down the school's all-male admissions policy.

Annotated sheets help collectors decode the details, which fans have been known to memorize and recite for visitors.

"It's like proof of their legal geekdom," said Gregory Jacob, a Washington law firm partner and part of a small group of Green Bag editors who help create the bobbleheads.

No detail is too small. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's bobblehead replicates the shoes she wore on Sept. 25, 1981, the day she was sworn in as the court's first female member. John Paul Stevens stands on a Betamax VCR, a nod to his opinion in a copyright case involving the device. When the VCR wasn't turning out right in production, Davies bought one on eBay and shipped it to China for a bobblehead sculptor to study. So far, Davies has gone through four drafts of the upcoming Breyer bobblehead, which portrays Breyer engaged in a favorite activity, riding his bike.

The attention to detail delights devotees, who have been known to drive hundreds of miles to pick up their bobbleheads. And the figurines often are displayed in a prominent place in their owners' offices.

Charmiane Claxton, a federal judge in Tennessee, said she contemplated insuring her collection, especially since she got her Scalia and O'Connor dolls signed by the justices. And Mark Killenbeck, a University of Arkansas law professor who collects the bobbleheads, says other faculty members have made "veiled threats to steal them."

Robert Henry, a former federal appeals court chief judge who now heads Oklahoma City University, displays his collection in the school's law library. The school is moving to a new building, and he says he plans a prominent spot for the dolls. Henry says he talks to Ross Davies every so often just to make sure his subscription to The Green Bag is paid up so he doesn't miss an issue, or a bobblehead.

"I do not want to miss one," he said.

- Etta Taylor 

Princesses and Foundation

Do you ever wonder who does make-up for the Disney Princesses. Cinderella, Tiana, Jasmine and the globally famous Minnie Mouse count on Pat McGrath! 

Few makeup artists reach megastar status beyond the beauty world, but Pat McGrath can no longer board an airplane without being accosted by fans. “Once one of the flight attendants dumped out her whole makeup bag on the floor and went through each item. She wanted a full consultation,” McGrath says. P&G’s jet-setting global creative design director is responsible for creating makeup looks at more than 25 shows per ready-to-wear season, plus a handful at couture. She’s done Prada for years, Dior for over a decade, and Dolce & Gabbana more than 13 years—a testament to her devoted designer fans. The Northampton, UK, native got her start in the early 1990s working with singer Caron Wheeler of Soul II Soul fame; she went on to British indie mag i-D as perhaps the first and only hybrid of editorial beauty director and on-staff makeup artist.

1. I’ve just stepped off the airplane. What’s the quickest way to look presentable?

Obviously use a gorgeous face mask, a good moisturizer, and maybe an eye mask during the flight. Have a nice foundation with you, an eye pencil in either black or brown, a pretty eye shadow, and mascara. That’s quick, for a fast touch-up, mix a lipstick with a little bit of balm to create a stain. You can also use your foundation as a concealer. Let’s say you’re going to be papped when you land.

2. How to prep for HD Photos or Video?

Definitely use a matte foundation. You can’t do shiny skin for high-definition cameras without it looking awful. HD shows off all of your imperfections. Even selfies require a flawless finish.

3. What’s the secret to seamless foundation application?

I always apply with a brush, and I use my fingers to blend. When you put on foundation with a brush, it’s a heavy finish—but if you use a brush and then blend, it looks more like a moisturizer, and much prettier. Then add concealer—applied with a fine brush—to the problem areas afterward.

4. How about the perfect cat eye?

The fatter the eyeliner, the easier it is to use. With a pencil, just draw the shape you like and clean up the mistakes with a bit of cleanser.

5. Is there anything we wouldn’t expect in your make-up kit?

Advil and antihistamine creams. If someone has an allergy attack before a show, it’s good to be prepared. Also plasters and things for blisters.

6. What do you want to see more of?

More experimentation. In Manhattan, women love that clean, perfect look, which is amazing, chic, and gorgeous, but it’s nice to see people play more, like they do in other cities; they go a bit more crazy. And it does happen; maybe not on the Upper East Side, but you’ll see it on the Lower East Side.

7. Do fans ever give you tips?

Yes! I went to the dentist and this older woman came in and said, “Ah, Pat McGrath! I read about you all the time! Sit right here!” She gave me a good tip: “When mascara gets cakey, comb through clumps with flossing brushes.” Isn’t that the best idea?

Her work is brilliant! I hope you can use some of these tips to apply to your natural beauty.

-Joann Yoon 

A Princesses Story

The Life Of Dido Elizabeth Belle Inspires The Upcoming Film

A Princesses Diary 

On May 2 Fox Searchlight will celebrate the story of Admiral Sir John Lindsay’s daughter, Dido Elizabeth Belle, in the aptly titled motion picture, “Belle.”

Starring Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Sam Reid, Tom Wilkinson, and Emily Watson among others, the film is inspired by true events of Belle, the illegitimate mixed-race daughter of Admiral Lindsay, who was raised by her aristocratic great-uncle, Lord Mansfield. After meeting an idealistic young vicar’s son bent on changing society, he and Belle help shape Lord Mansfield’s role as Lord Chief Justice to end slavery in England.

The Beautiful Gugu Mbatha-Raw was born Gugulethu Sophia Mbatha in Oxford, England. Her name, "Gugulethu", is a contraction of igugu lethu, means "our pride" (depending on context) in Zulu, like the township of the same name. Her mother, Anne Raw, is an English nurse, and her father, Patrick Mbatha, is an African doctor, originally from the Republic of South Africa. Mbatha-Raw grew up in the small town of Witney in Oxfordshire, and attended The Henry Box School, before moving to London to train at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in 2001.

Mbatha-Raw played minor roles on television series such as Bad Girls (2006), Doctor Who (2007) and Marple (2007). One of her earliest breakthroughs in drama was in Romeo and Juliet at the Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester in 2005. Mbatha-Raw was nominated for best actress in the Manchester Evening News Theatre Awards for her portrayal of Juliet and also played Cleopatra in the Anthony and Cleopatra at the same theatre in 2005.

In September 2010, she starred in the J. J. Abrams TV series Undercovers, which was cancelled two months later.

In June 2011, Mbatha-Raw was cast as the female lead in the Fox pilot Touch opposite Kiefer Sutherland.

She had a supporting role in 2011 romantic comedy film Larry Crowne, written and directed by Tom Hanks who starred in the title role.

So look for her in the Motion Picture "Belle" in theaters May 2, 2014.

-Bj Jackson

Natural Hair should be tamed.

Hair is an Issue for Black Women in the Army. 

The women of the Congressional Black Caucus have sent a letter asking Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel to reconsider new Army regulations that made headlines earlier this month.

AR 670-1, the revised regulations for grooming and appearance, has some black female enlistees in an uproar: it dictates that black women may wear their hair au naturelle in twists or braids if they choose, but they must be narrow twists or braids — no more than a quarter-inch in diameter. (The Army has forbidden twists and dreadlocks since 2005, but wasn't specific about size. And while thin twists are still allowed, dreadlocks remain prohibited.)

In the April 10 letter, Rep. Marcia Fudge, D-Ohio, head of the Congressional Black Caucus, joined with more than a dozen other women Caucus members to tell Hagel, "African American women have often been required to meet unreasonable norms as it relates to acceptable standards of grooming in the workplace." The letter notes that such standards "should shift based on each community's unique and practical needs. New cultural norms and trends naturally change, ensuring that no person feels targeted or attacked based on his or her appearance."

US Army

A 'More Professional-Looking' Army

The revisions also include new rules on tattoos (which are allowed, but only certain kinds in certain places at certain sizes), mustaches (short and trim, no Ron Burgundy 'staches allowed) and sideburns. Mohawks are a no-go. So are is a partially-shaved style called the Horseshoe. But it's the revised women's hair regulations that have caused the biggest stir.

At a time when more and more African-American women are choosing to wear their hair natural, without being straightened by chemicals or heat, the Army has decreed that only certain natural coiffures are acceptable. Like the regulations for tattoos and mustaches, the Army says the hair regulations are part of a push to make the all-volunteer army uniform in aspect, and "more professional-looking." Many black servicewomen have complained that the new rules are biased. The ladies of the CBC agree.

"The lack of regard for ethnic hair is apparent," says the letter. "This policy needs to be reviewed prior to publishing to allow for neat and maintained natural hairstyles."

Sgt. Jasmine Jacobs of the Georgia National Guard says the definition of "professional-looking" needs some broadening. Twists, she told Army Times, are professional — they allow her and other black women who have kinky-curly hair to keep their natural hair neat and out-of-the-way on maneuvers. They say twists and large braids stay put in the field and are impervious to sweat or water immersion. While many of her white comrades have hair that can be pulled back and pinned into a bun (acceptable, but only if it's above the collar), Jacobs said her thick, curly hair can't be contained like that.

So she started a petition on the White House website asking the Obama administration to "reconsider changes to AR 670-1 to allow professional ethnic hairstyles."

Reaction To The Reaction

About 15,000 people have signed so far. Many believe it's unlikely that another revision will occur; the Army spent a couple years working on the current set. But the petition has been the catalyst for some fierce online debates, in addition to the letter from the women of the CBC. A sampling of opinion from the discussions reveals three broad categories:

It's the Army. And you volunteered for it. Armies usually demand a uniform appearance. This is what "uniform" means. Get over it.

You People are always asking for special treatment. This is just the latest example.

If they gave incoming women the same buzz-cut the men get, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Gender-blind buzz-cut mandates for basic training don't happen because the military doesn't want it do, says this fascinating little video from USA Today.

(Note the reporter explaining all this would not be able to keep her natural hairstyle!)

On social media sites, a number of black self-identified veterans of both genders voiced agreement with the new regs. ("It's the Army, not a fashion show," one Facebook comment pointed out.) Many others spoke against the regulations.

Lt. Col. Alayne P. Conway, spokeswoman for Army Headquarters at the Pentagon, told us that although the Army is insisting on uniformity, there is latitude, within reason. "Many hairstyles are acceptable, as long as they are neat and conservative," she emailed in a statement. And, she added, safe: "Headgear is expected to fit snugly and comfortably, without bulging or distortion from the intended shape of the headgear and without excessive gaps."

In other words, helmets must fit well enough to protect the wearer, and fatigue caps shouldn't have odd lumps from the hairstyles underneath. The point is to remain safe during maneuvers. And not just twists and dreads — long hair unpinned and long bangs are also non-regulation, for a reason: "Loading rounds into artillery tubes," Conway said by way of example, "you don't want hair getting into the way, obscuring your vision."

But retired Lt. Col. Patricia Jackson-Kelley, a member of the National Association of Black Military Women, told the Washington Post the new hair regulations mostly target black women. "I don't see how a woman wearing three braids in her hair, how that affects her ability to perform her duty in the military." (In the same interview, Kathaleen Harris, NABMW's current president, noted the Army is innately conservative in its standards, and said that while some women look "gorgeous" in their twists, "some people go overboard. The twists are not small twists but they're real large ones and it doesn't fit the cover, your hat.")

In a statement emailed to Stars & Stripes, Conway wrote:

African-American female soldiers were involved in the process of developing the new female hair standards. ... Not only were nearly 200 senior female leaders and soldiers (which included a representative sample of the Army's populations) part of the decision-making process on the female hair standards, but the group was also led by an African-American female.

The rules apply to non-black women, who are also forbidden to put their straight hair in large twists or braids, or to grow dreadlocks. But as Anatole France once dryly observed, "In its majestic equality, the law forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal loaves of bread." Black women who are upset with the new hair regulations feel that while the rules might apply to all Army women, they more acutely affect women who are African-American.

- Stephanie Tanne-Mansfield 

Cooking for Her Kisses

Southern Red Velvet Cake always hits the spot! 

Southern Red Velvet Cake 

Total Time: 1 hr

Prep: 30 min

Cook: 30 min

Yield: about 6 to 8 servings

 

Ingredients:

Vegetable oil for the pans

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon fine salt

1 teaspoon cocoa powder

1 1/2 cups vegetable oil

1 cup buttermilk, at room temperature

2 large eggs, at room temperature

2 tablespoons red food coloring (1 ounce)

1 teaspoon white distilled vinegar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract 

Cream Cheese Frosting, recipe follows

Crushed pecans, for garnish

Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 pound cream cheese, softened

4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), softened

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil and flour 3 (9 by 1 1/2-inch round) cake pans.

In a large bowl, sift together the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder. In another large bowl, whisk together the oil, buttermilk, eggs, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla.

Using a standing mixer, mix the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients until just combined and a smooth batter is formed.

Divide the cake batter evenly among the prepared cake pans. Place the pans in the oven evenly spaced apart. Bake, rotating the pans halfway through the cooking, until the cake pulls away from the side of the pans, and a toothpick inserted in the center of the cakes comes out clean, about 30 minutes.

Remove the cakes from the oven and run a knife around the edges to loosen them from the sides of the pans. One at a time, invert the cakes onto a plate and then re-invert them onto a cooling rack, rounded-sides up. Let cool completely.

Frost the cake. Place 1 layer, rounded-side down, in the middle of a rotating cake stand. Using a palette knife or offset spatula spread some of the cream cheese frosting over the top of the cake. (Spread enough frosting to make a 1/4 to 1/2-inch layer.) Carefully set another layer on top, rounded-side down, and repeat. Top with the remaining layer and cover the entire cake with the remaining frosting. (Optional) Sprinkle the top with the pecans. 

In a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, or with a hand-held electric mixer in a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, sugar, and butter on low speed until incorporated. Increase the speed to high, and mix until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Occasionally turn the mixer off, and scrape the down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.)

Reduce the speed of the mixer to low. Add the vanilla, raise the speed to high and mix briefly until fluffy (scrape down the bowl occasionally). Store in the refrigerator until somewhat stiff, before using. May be stored in the refrigerator for 3 days.

Yield: enough to frost a 3 layer (9-inch) cake

Chef: Demontaye  Bennett